Archive for June, 2009

TV to hit new low

June 30, 2009

storyJust when you thought TV couldn’t get any worse, guess what, it will! C-level reality TV star Megan Hauserman is going to have her own show on VH1! OMG. I know right?!?!?! Megan’s impressive and stunning resume includes being Playboy’s Cyber Girl of the Week in February 2006, as well as being on Beauty and the Geek, Rock of Love with Bret Michaels, I Love Money and Rock of Love: Charm School. Even though she’s dumber than my retarded cousin on acid, she’s apparently hot, which in this country gets you an amazing reality TV career. Her new show, Megan Wants a Millionaire, promises to be quite a jem; she’s going to be choosing between 17  millionaires to make her “the ultimate trophy wife” she aspires to be. Oh, such lofty ambitions this girl has.

sex-protest-02Performer/director Mark Wood is a fucking humanitarian. I tell you what. He has such empathy, especially for young girls. “Some people say I care too much,” Mark admits, “but I don’t think that’s possible. These girls need help. If I can give them a good lay and put a few bucks in their pockets, I think it puts them in an excellent position to get their lives and careers on track.” Wow! Can we give this man a round of applause? Or maybe a cheesecake at least? We think he deserves it. Bravo, Mark Wood. Bravo.

breakfast_sexFuck, some stupid nerd thinks she can tell us pros how much sex is normal. Fuck, shut up chick.  Fucking seriously, someone put a dick in her hands so she can’t type. You write an article on sex and you talk about Star Trek (not the porn version),  texting your friends to collect data, and the website you write for has an article on road-tripping for pie.  Fuck, does anyone with a MacBook and Google count as a expert on whatever they want now? Fuck that, I’m gonna slap my dick across her forehead and give her the mushroom stamp of rejection. Fuck, you want to know how much sex is normal according to her “scientific” poll?  2 fucking times a week.  Fuckin A, I think I get fucked two times in the morning even before I wake up, and two more times while eating breakfast. Fuck yeah that’s right, I don’t even stop while eating my Fruity Pebbles. Fucking shut up and leave the real fuck news to us fuckheads. Fuck.

How often is normal? – Examiner

footjobThis time it’s Gossip Girl Leighton Meester who got caught doin the deed (ok, not really got caught, more like was stupid enough to film it…we went over this before). Anyways. According to TMZ, the vid shows her doing SOMETHING with her “very talented feet.” Ohhh man. WTF could it be?? What are feet really good for? Besides sticking a toe up your partern’s a-hole, I mean. Either way, foot sex = SOO HAWT!!! We needa get a hold of this tape ASAP before I lose my boner.

Biggest loser contest!

June 22, 2009

airsexBiggest loser Air sex contest, WTF?  Get this, some Canadians held the World Air Sex Competition.  Each nerd gets two minutes on stage to meet, seduce, engage in foreplay and finally have sex with um… no one.   This shit is more pathetic then fuckin a blow up doll.  At least with a doll you are blowing your load in a fake pussy and not in your Levis on stage.  Fucking Canadians.  Just go home dude and practice making out with your doorknob and humping your couch while watching Star Wars so I don’t have to watch you.

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weddingThe wedding plans for Haylie Hocking and Jason Brake went down in a burning fire ball.  The chick apparently canceled the big party because her fitness trainer fiancee turned out to rock out with his cock out or should we say with his cock in other chicks for money on cam.  Yeah that’s right brah, that lucky son of a bitch was was a porn star.  God she is stupid, a guy with a steady good paying job right now is Hard to Cum by.  So ladies line up Jason Brake is single and ready to stuff your meat locker.

Whoa whoa whoa!

June 18, 2009

Alanah Rae got a boob job! And no one told us! And it took us till now to notice! WTF? Wait. Maybe she didn’t get her tits done. Maybe she just went through puberty, Britney Spears style. What do you think??

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2447017620_1527ccdc4bIs your old dildo getting more worn out than the old couch in your parents basement where you gave that fat dude a BJ back in high school?  Do you feel kinda like a douche cloggin up landfills with you dirty sex toys and toxic batteries? Well fuck, you can recycle whatever sick shit you have in the shoe box under your bed at recycle my sex toy where they will take it, clean your sins off it, disassemble it, and recycle that shit.  And those fools will even throw you a $10 gift card to use to buy a new sex toy so you can down with you bad self with a toy that is not from a time when Coolio was cool. We suggest one these solar powered vibes, it’s like the Prius of sex toys. Come on follow the trend!

MovieRoom.com Review

June 12, 2009

c016-ve-200x150With a name like MovieRoom.com, you know it’s gotta be kickass. I mean…right? A room? Full of movies? Porn movies? That’s what I’m talkin bout. And check it. This virtual room is so goddamn full of movies that there’s over 6,000 of them. That’s a shitload of p0rnZ! Even if you were “man enough” to go through five a day, it would take you approximately 3.29 years to get through 6,000 movies. And who the fuck are we kidding? You’d have to have some kind of superman marathon dick to REALLY go through five movies a day every day. Read the rest of this entry »

Sloppy Seconds

June 12, 2009

mialelani100So yeah. This chick Mia Lelani claims to give one hell of a sloppy blowjob. “I will out-slop anyone,” she said. “It’s well-documented. If you think you can get a sloppier BJ anywhere, I encourage you to go there.” Well fuck. That sounds like a challenge! I’m pretty sure my dog can slop it up better. Challenge accepted. Expect video/photographic proof soon.

Just say no to HIV

June 12, 2009

needle

You know that feeling you get when you totally rail someone, and then they go through their little black book later and tell you they have the AIDS? Well, we don’t either, but it would prolly suck. A lot. Anyways. Someone in the porn biz–who shall remain nameless (cuz we don’t know her name)–gots that HIV. Which totally sucks. A lot. Read about it at the LA Times website. And remember to wrap it before you tap it.

You should just go watch some pussy eating dude, your hand won’t give you the HIV from spankin it to some hot chicks going wild on some vag.

EricaLife-size cardboard cutouts! Of super hot chicks! SexyStandups.com has the shit for $39.95. What a bargain! Buy one for yourself, or ask your mom/sister/grandma to hook you up at Christmas. Who needs a girlfriend right? RIGHT?? Cardboard don’t talk back when you smack it.

foxxEveryone’s favorite legit mother/daughter porn team, Desi and Elli Foxx, recently an interview with those shit-talkers over at the XtremeBitz radio show. Since you’re prolly not cool enough to have caught the segment live, you can now download the podcast on iTunes and listen to it next time you need a laugh instead of an orgasm. Or you could listen to it as a prequel/sequel to whackin it. Whatever fits into your busy masturbating schedule bud.

Screw Education

June 4, 2009

This is what college is really all about: Fucking! Fleshbot went ahead and compiled the top ten amateur dorm sex videos, which you can view right here. A+.

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swing1

Swing. Swingers Club. Get it? No? Your're fucking stupid.

Can I get an AMEN? It’s about damn time Ron Jeremy opened a swinger’s club. I mean, shit. The Jer-bear has decided Portland of all places (huh?) is the best spot to drop anchor and drop trou with this project. Called Club Sesso, the sex hub is gonna have 11 private rooms with king-size beds, a group area, and a couples-only lounge. And since this place is sponsored by Rockstar Energy Drink, you’ll have no problem fuckin’ like rabbits all night long. Grand opening June 19th; start the countdown!

WTF is YNF?

June 4, 2009

Bahahaha

Amazing.

l_ecb941f930454358a7c029f994d80d8b2What the fuck is going on tonight? This, you dipshit: Mary Carey and The Spyderz at Crazy Girls. In case you’re a little slow and haven’t caught on yet, every Tuesday night is XXX madness at Crazy Girls in Hollywood. Tuesday is the new Friday. Duh.

Fuck Yeah!  Porn on your iPhone, man what could be better?  Maybe real pussy, but if you’re here looking at this review you obviously don’t have that.  That’s alright, we wont judge you.  We found videos that range from a couple of minutes to damn near 4o minutes of quality long dick fuckin.  We found over 28,000 videos to watch.  That means if you want to watch a brunette in a bukkake video while your on the on the subway, some Asian bondage when you’re at a bar mitzvah, or even a some amateur BJ action while at a softball game, you got your fetish covered.  You can stream pretty good quality videos right to your iPhone for free or upgrade and iWank it to some HD on the run or on your home computer.  The premium content gives you access to 10,000 HD videos to download and stream.  The premium content is fucking worth it especially since you can test drive it for only $1.  Just try to beat that price and beat your meat while you’re checkin out this fucking classy content.  Best part about porn on the iPhone, no sticky keys.

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EarlMiller.com is the website of Penthouse magazine’s most published photographer, but it sounds like somewhere my grandpa would go shopping for overalls and rubber boots. Aside from the horrible name that conjures up mental images of 70-year-old VFW patrons, Earl Miller’s site has some quality content and top-of-the-line slut bags. This guy has shot three categories of bitches: porn stars, centerfolds and amateurs. You’ll recognize big names in the first two categories, and the amateurs…well they’re n00bz. Who the fuck knows who they are. More importantly, who the fuck cares? Not this guy. Just show me T&A. Fuck. Anyways. Earl’s site has over 1,200 zipped pic sets with 50 per set, and if you do the math, that’s a lot of photos (we’re not gonna do the math for you, you lazy sonofabitch). There’s also over 400 videos that can be streamed or downloaded, and with the quality of shit on this site, you’ll be making a deposit at the spank bank in no time. Sure, some stingy bastards might think the membership fee is a little on the high end, but you get what you pay for, dick.

hoopzPeople. When the fuck are you gonna learn? If you take pics without clothes, or film yourself doin the deed, IT’S GOING TO SHOW UP ON THE INTERNET. FUCK. It may be a matter of time, but sooner or later you can count on the fact that your butt-nekked ass is gonna be all up on someone’s puter screen. The latest “victim” (AKA fucking idiot) to have her shit leaked is Hoopz from Flavor Of Love and I Love Money. Memba her? Well, on July 15th you can see her take a big black dick when her sex tape from like 6 years ago is released. Sucks for her. Rules for us!